Net Worthy
I am a woman caught in the net...
It's a late Tuesday night as I ready myself for a night of chat and email. I turn the rearview mirror towards me, checking the angle. In this game you have to know what you've said before and I was not going into this electric playground unprepared.
I make a quick appraisal of my demeanor: not too revealing yet not stuffy, challenging, not pushy, bold, not brazen. I stuff my pocket dictionary into my purse (not a standard feature), check my address book, turn on the power and proceed with caution. As I enter the world of virtual communication I notice a flashing on my screen. Could it be a power surge? Damn, it's the cops!
It's a late Tuesday night as I ready myself for a night of chat and email. I turn the rearview mirror towards me, checking the angle. In this game you have to know what you've said before and I was not going into this electric playground unprepared.
I make a quick appraisal of my demeanor: not too revealing yet not stuffy, challenging, not pushy, bold, not brazen. I stuff my pocket dictionary into my purse (not a standard feature), check my address book, turn on the power and proceed with caution. As I enter the world of virtual communication I notice a flashing on my screen. Could it be a power surge? Damn, it's the cops!
I'm pulled into "Chat". 
Cop 1>Good evening. Proof of name please.....
Cop2>uhem, ALL of them Ms. Hetic.
I give the man my real name, my monker, my alias. He runs them through his computer for verification. I hear my stats being discussed amongst themselves. It's hard to hear what they are talking about through their laughter.
I give the man my real name, my monker, my alias. He runs them through his computer for verification. I hear my stats being discussed amongst themselves. It's hard to hear what they are talking about through their laughter.
God, this is humiliating!
They return...
Cop2>O.K. Sorry about the delay. Do any of these names look familiar to you?
I look through a long list of names. I tell the cops that a couple are familiar. I point to a few names of guys I write to. The cops exchange knowing glances, shut their notepads, and say...
Cop2>We hate to be the ones to break the news to you Pat_Hetic, Quasimodem, Monkey Wench, or whatever the hell you are calling yourself tonight, but in our line of work we like to refer to these men as Virtual Stalkers. They cruise the net looking for unsuspecting women, such as yourself to Hood Wink ;-), It really doesn't help that you name yourself Pathetic, it's just the type of woman that is preyed on most often. The good news is that you are driving an old profile, not many approach the older models. They really aren't worth as much out on the net, but...the fact that they are perceived grateful usually tips the balance.
I mention that I am not grateful. Grateful to be alive maybe...but that's about it.
Cop1>There is also the perception that the older models can teach something out there...but the truth is they are too tired usually to move much.
Cop1>Yeah, what part about the word "old" do they not get?
The cops exchange the most horrid of smirky looks. I am starting to get insulted. If I hear the word cougar I'm complaining to their superiors.
Cop2>Why did you think these guys were writing to you anyway?
I told them that my entries were quite thought provoking, rather amusing, fresh!
The cops start to giggle, breaking down into uncontrollable laughter. They laugh so hard that coffee spews from their noses. Tears of laughter run down their faces. When they finally regain their composure they continue...
Cop 1>Lady ....wake up! Have you read any of your own posts? You didn't even suspect anything, not even once? I find that hard to believe. I mean what did you think when you received a few "Jeffrey Dahmer" pics?
With indignance, I asked exactly what he was referring to.
Cop1>Don't you be telling us that you have never received pictures of men with naked torsos, some actually headless. We can check out your message history, so you aren't fooling anyone.
Honestly I thought it might be bad photography. I mean not all of us have access to famed photographer Anne De Haas who can be reached at http://www.annedehaas.com and I did receive emails from those living in warmer countries. There might be a perfectly good reason why men would be half naked when answering the proverbial email door....
Cop2>Welcome to Club Naive, the club for self-deluding women. I admit you are the oldest one that we've pulled over tonight and we know that most of what has happened is truly because you don't know what you are doing. I mean, don't you know how to lie yet?
The cop shines a flashlight in my face. This is so embarrassing.
Cop1>We just want you to be careful, serve and protect y-know. We are just trying to keep the net safe.
I ask them if there is anything I can to to help.
Cop2>Yes there is. Post this letter everywhere you write to men so other women won't be as naive as you.
I say "Oh yeah, right...then nobody will write to me for fear of being accused unfairly".
What are they actually suggesting; that I take a bath, put on make-up and actually go out? How insane is that?
Cop2>Listen, we don't want to ruin your social life here. We know how the world works. The "real" men will get a kick out of it and take it in the spirit intended.
I think, now WHO here is being naive?
Cop1>Oh yeah, one more thing before you go, We'd like to see some registration for your "Outlook".
They return...
Cop2>O.K. Sorry about the delay. Do any of these names look familiar to you?
I look through a long list of names. I tell the cops that a couple are familiar. I point to a few names of guys I write to. The cops exchange knowing glances, shut their notepads, and say...
Cop2>We hate to be the ones to break the news to you Pat_Hetic, Quasimodem, Monkey Wench, or whatever the hell you are calling yourself tonight, but in our line of work we like to refer to these men as Virtual Stalkers. They cruise the net looking for unsuspecting women, such as yourself to Hood Wink ;-), It really doesn't help that you name yourself Pathetic, it's just the type of woman that is preyed on most often. The good news is that you are driving an old profile, not many approach the older models. They really aren't worth as much out on the net, but...the fact that they are perceived grateful usually tips the balance.
I mention that I am not grateful. Grateful to be alive maybe...but that's about it.
Cop1>There is also the perception that the older models can teach something out there...but the truth is they are too tired usually to move much.
Cop1>Yeah, what part about the word "old" do they not get?
The cops exchange the most horrid of smirky looks. I am starting to get insulted. If I hear the word cougar I'm complaining to their superiors.
Cop2>Why did you think these guys were writing to you anyway?
I told them that my entries were quite thought provoking, rather amusing, fresh!
The cops start to giggle, breaking down into uncontrollable laughter. They laugh so hard that coffee spews from their noses. Tears of laughter run down their faces. When they finally regain their composure they continue...
Cop 1>Lady ....wake up! Have you read any of your own posts? You didn't even suspect anything, not even once? I find that hard to believe. I mean what did you think when you received a few "Jeffrey Dahmer" pics?
With indignance, I asked exactly what he was referring to.
Cop1>Don't you be telling us that you have never received pictures of men with naked torsos, some actually headless. We can check out your message history, so you aren't fooling anyone.
Honestly I thought it might be bad photography. I mean not all of us have access to famed photographer Anne De Haas who can be reached at http://www.annedehaas.com and I did receive emails from those living in warmer countries. There might be a perfectly good reason why men would be half naked when answering the proverbial email door....
Cop2>Welcome to Club Naive, the club for self-deluding women. I admit you are the oldest one that we've pulled over tonight and we know that most of what has happened is truly because you don't know what you are doing. I mean, don't you know how to lie yet?
The cop shines a flashlight in my face. This is so embarrassing.
Cop1>We just want you to be careful, serve and protect y-know. We are just trying to keep the net safe.
I ask them if there is anything I can to to help.
Cop2>Yes there is. Post this letter everywhere you write to men so other women won't be as naive as you.
I say "Oh yeah, right...then nobody will write to me for fear of being accused unfairly".
What are they actually suggesting; that I take a bath, put on make-up and actually go out? How insane is that?
Cop2>Listen, we don't want to ruin your social life here. We know how the world works. The "real" men will get a kick out of it and take it in the spirit intended.
I think, now WHO here is being naive?
Cop1>Oh yeah, one more thing before you go, We'd like to see some registration for your "Outlook".
Quasimodem
posted by Quasimodem at 10:21 AM
1 Comments:
Oh god. You are the freaking best. *wiping my eyes* Now stop it before I have to change my Depends.
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